


I Don't Want to Hear Any More

by Litsetaure



Series: Torchwood Moments [10]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Episode Tag, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Songfic, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-14
Updated: 2013-09-16
Packaged: 2017-12-26 13:16:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/966366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Litsetaure/pseuds/Litsetaure
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'You can carry on , we all can. The end is where we start from.' Jack said that at the end of 'Exit Wounds', but what happens when he finds that he can't cope? Song-fic to I Don't Want to Hear Any More, by the Eagles.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Jack?" said Ianto quietly. "Er…well, I wondered…can I just call my Mam? I just…I just want to know that she's alive and safe…and she needs to know that I'm safe too."

Jack stared at him. "Of course you can," he exclaimed. "You don't even have to ask."

"I might be on for a while; I've not…you know –"

"Don't worry, Ianto. I'll wait in the kitchen so you can have some privacy; just take your time." He gently stroked Ianto's hair before moving into the kitchen, where he leaned against the worktop with a deep sigh. He could hear Ianto's tired voice on the phone, but, try as he might, he couldn't stop himself from thinking about what had happened.

Tosh had died in his arms, right there on the floor of the autopsy bay; the territory of the man she had loved, Owen Harper. She had played her part; faithful and selfless right to the end. She really was a true heroine…and she was so special.

Owen…God, but it was almost impossible to think of Tosh without thinking of Owen too. He did have his faults, Jack of all people knew that, but it didn't stop him from being a good person at heart, not to mention a brilliant medic. Even after everything Torchwood had thrown at him – everything Jack had put him through after he'd been shot – he'd come through, eventually, stronger than ever. But that was Owen; like Tosh, he had a hidden strength that hardly anyone saw, until it was too late.

_Owen, Tosh,_ Jack thought to himself,  _you were the best and I'll never forget you. I can't imagine how we're going to replace you…_

Replacing them…God, but it had barely been a day since they'd died. They didn't even have Owen's body so they couldn't even say a proper goodbye to him and they'd barely had the chance to say a proper goodbye to Tosh; she was just locked in the morgue along with Suzie and the other members of Torchwood who had died over the years.

How could he even think about replacing Owen and Tosh when they were barely cold in their graves? The thought had no place coming into his mind at this point.

But it had and he knew that it had to be done, no matter how much it hurt. The question was would they be strong enough to do it?

Sighing, he blindly opened a draw and drew out two white candles and a box of matches. His hand trembled as he lit them both, the flame sending a soft glow through the room.

"Tosh, Owen," he whispered breathlessly, "thank you."

A drop of water fell onto the worktop and Jack blinked suddenly as he realised that he was crying. He wiped his eyes angrily, but more and more tears fell until he was sobbing outright, his face buried on the hard surface beneath him.

"I'm sorry," he choked, "Tosh…Owen…I'm so sorry. I wish I could have saved you. I'm so sorry; this is all my fault…I promised to save you and…and I failed you…all of you."

"No," whispered a soft voice behind him. Jack turned to find Ianto watching him. "You didn't fail them, Jack; you didn't fail anyone. You heard what Tosh said on that message; if anything, you were the one who saved her – just like you saved me."

He squeezed Jack's arm and opened the same drawer with the candles inside. "Come here," he said softly as he lit another one and stood it beside Owen and Tosh's. "You did that for me…and now it's my turn to do it for you."

"What do you mean?" asked Jack wearily. "Who's that one for?"

"It's for Gray," answered Ianto simply. "You comforted me when you lit that candle for Lisa; it's only fair that I light one for your brother."

Jack moved as if to stroke Ianto's hair, only to frantically pull him into his arms and hold him tightly. "What are we going to do?" he choked, feeling his tears falling again.

"We're going to get through this," said Ianto simply. "We're going to stay together and…and we're going to hold on and we're going to carry on; all of us…together, just as…just as you said we can carry on. It's like you said, Jack; the end…the end is where…" but he couldn't carry on as he started sobbing. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

Jack stroked Ianto's hair gently. "No…no, baby," he gasped. "Don't be sorry; it's okay; you've lost two of your best friends and your team mates…just let it go. I'm right here."

"We're going to be all right," gasped Ianto, still trying to be strong, even as he cried his heart out. "I promise, Jack; we're going to be all right. We're going to get through this."

Later that night, when they were lying in bed, Jack rubbed his cheek against Ianto's bare shoulder and kissed his forehead gently. He was right.

"We are going to get through this. I'm sure of it."

Ianto stirred and planted a kiss on Jack's lips. "Of course we are."

* * *

Two months later, however, Jack wasn't so sure. Martha was now a part of the team, replacing Owen as the resident medic. She had been recruited two weeks after the event; they knew they should have done it sooner, but none of them could bring themselves to. Even two weeks seemed too soon, especially since they still didn't have Owen's body.

They didn't, however, have a replacement for Tosh, with Jack and Ianto teaming up to do her job. The official reason was that they hadn't found anyone to do her job yet, but really, everyone knew that they just didn't want to replace her. The only reason that Martha had joined was that they needed a doctor, since none of them were good enough with first aid – or autopsies – to take on the job themselves. Replacing Owen had been hard, but it was necessary. Replacing Tosh would be impossible.

Interestingly, Gwen had been coping better than everyone since the events. Rhys had been a rock for her when she had needed him the most and it seemed that, after her initial breakdown, she was coming to terms with what had happened and trying to move on. Having Martha there had also seemed to help; the girls were really clicking as friends.

Jack was pleased to see her getting on with her life, but, even though he knew that he should try and do the same, he couldn't. He had tried, God knows he had tried, but he just couldn't do it. Knowing that he would live forever while everyone he loved or cared about died was impossible to bear; it was worse than dying. Apart from when the team was at work, the only person he would talk to or be near to was Ianto. He was the only one who could even begin to get through to him; Gwen and Martha had both tried, but each time they did, Jack would just clam up completely. Eventually, Gwen had all but taken over leadership of the team, since Jack was all but broken down.

Ianto wasn't faring much better either. At first, he would at least talk to the rest of the team outside of work, but he was changing too. As much as he tried to tell everyone that things would get better and that they would get through this, it gradually grew more and more obvious that he was trying to convince himself as much as anyone else. Still, he was at least talking and mingling more than Jack, which was something at least.

However, when Gwen approached him and asked him to be her second-in-command, things began to change. Ianto stared at her for a minute and then started to laugh.

"What are you talking about?" he asked. "Jack's our boss and you're his second-in-command; unless the second needs a second herself." He tried to make the joke, but it fell completely flat and both of them knew it.

Gwen sighed. "Ianto, Jack is in no condition to be leading us," she said. "Look at him – he's not been himself since Owen and Tosh died. You know that, you can see it. I know you care about him, but you can't let that cloud your judgement. He's not our leader any more – he's a broken man now, Ianto. It's time for him to take a step back."

"He's grieving, Gwen. Can't you see that?"

"We're all grieving, Ianto. I've lost a former lover and a friend. It hurts, I won't deny it, but we've got to move on. I'm sorry, but it's for the best. He can't lead us in his state."

Ianto felt his anger rise in his chest, but he forced himself to speak calmly. "I know we're all grieving, Gwen, but you can't just expect him to move on like that. I don't expect him to. It's not fair to expect that of him; he lost half of his team in one go. You were right next to him when he held Tosh as she died in his arms."

He took a deep breath. "I hear what you're saying, Gwen, I really do, but you can't just cast him aside. We need to help him – we  _can_ get him through this. And, to answer your original question, no; I'm not going to be your second-in-command. If you really want someone to do it, you can ask Martha. I doubt she'll mind."

Gwen grabbed his arm. "What about you, Ianto? You're hardly coping with this as it is. I know you're putting on a strong façade, but I can tell that, inside, you're falling apart."

"I'm fine, Gwen," protested Ianto, shaking her off. "Really, I'm okay. I just need a little space. Go home; spend some time with Rhys, or go out with Martha. It's been ages since the two of you had a good girl's night out, hasn't it?"

The words were barely out of her mouth when Martha herself appeared from Jack's office. "Ianto's right," she said. "Come on, Gwen; we need a night out." She took Gwen's hand and half-dragged her out of the Hub. Gwen looked reluctant at first, but then Martha said something which caused her to explode with laughter.

Ianto flashed the doctor a grateful smile as the two women disappeared from view. He considered going up to see Jack, but decided against it; the older man needed space. Instead, he sat down at his desk and started to sort through some of his paperwork.

As he did so, however, something caught his eye underneath the piles of notes and forms. He ran his hand over it; it was hard and cold, unlike the soft papers before him. Sifting through them, the young man found the object and picked it up cautiously. He was half expecting to find himself holding a piece of alien tech or something.

But it wasn't alien. It was completely human; it was a photo frame with a picture in it. Ianto looked down and his breath caught as he realised what the picture was.

It had been taken at Gwen's wedding by one of the bridesmaids and showed the whole team and Rhys standing together in the garden as the sun set. The happy couple were in the front, smiling as if there was no tomorrow. Tosh was beside Gwen, waving the bouquet and clearly in fits of laughter as Owen was tickling her sides. On the other side, Rhys' side, Jack was striking a heroic looking pose with a massive smile on his face as he scooped Ianto up in his arms and planted a huge kiss on his lips. As for Ianto himself, it was hard to tell, but he had been grinning like a lunatic through that kiss, even though he was doing his best to look irritated with Jack, who had tossed his jacket onto the grass.

Suddenly, the images of Owen and Tosh seemed to fade and blur slightly. Ianto looked around in fright and was about to check the Rift activity predictor when he registered the hitch in his breath and the tightness in his chest and realised that it wasn't anything alien causing the images to blur, but instead it was something as human as his own tears. Unlike Jack had on the night that…everything had changed, he made no effort to brush them away, and instead buried his face in his hands and let them fall.

The picture slowly dropped to the ground.

It wasn't long before he felt a firm but gentle hand on his shoulder and even less time before he felt himself being pulled into a caring embrace. He looked up slightly to see a pair of concerned blue eyes staring at him. But he found that he couldn't look at them for long as he collapsed against Jack's chest, clutching at his shirt.

"I can't do this, Jack," he sobbed. "I'm sorry; I thought I could, but…I can't."

"I know." Jack's voice was breaking above him. "I know, baby." He held onto Ianto for a while, stroking his hair and rubbing his back, before pulling away and looking at him. "Take this," he said quietly, slipping a white envelope into Ianto's hand.

"What is it?" asked Ianto, trying to dry his eyes. "Jack, what's going on?"

Jack looked at him sadly. "I'm sorry," he whispered, before drawing him close for the sweetest and most tender kiss Ianto had ever felt. "I'm so sorry," he repeated as he turned away and walked out of the Hub without looking back once.

Confused, tired and upset, Ianto opened the envelope and emptied the contents onto the desk. His mouth dropped open; he couldn't quite believe what he was seeing.

There were several small white pills lying before him; Retcon, it was Retcon. A quick estimate led him to the conclusion that there was enough there for him to forget Torchwood, including his time at Torchwood London.

But there was something else in there too. It was soft and light. Ianto didn't even have to pull it out of the envelope to know what it was. He just withdrew his hand and pocketed the envelope without a word as he looked at the tablets…the chance to forget, to make a new start with his life.

He moved to pick two of them up, when he happened to glance at the CCTV camera which was directed to the front of the tourist office.

"I love you, Jack," he whispered as he went for some water.

Gwen and Martha would find him later, asleep on the sofa, curled up under his coat.

* * *

_Five months later, Dublin._

The young man wandered down the street, knowing that he was attracting several appreciative glances from men and women alike. He ignored them all; he was here for one reason, and that reason was right in front of him.

Taking a deep breath, he opened the door to the club and went inside, barely pausing to look around properly as he found himself a seat at the back of the room. A moment later, a man, probably in his early thirties, came up to him with a smile.

"Mind if I join you?" he asked. When Ianto shook his head, the man sat down. "You look good – pale pink's a great colour on you." He looked at him appreciatively before adding, "Nice jeans too, if you don't mind me saying so."

Ianto bit his lip. He didn't want to seem rude, but when the man had commented on his jeans, his mind had flipped back to when he'd last worn them; the night that he had first met Jack and helped him subdue that Weevil and he found that he couldn't speak as the memories washed over him. Had it really been over two years now?

"Hey." The man was speaking again. "Are you all right?"

Ianto blinked hard and wiped his eyes. "Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry; did you say something?"

"Nothing important, just wondering what brought you here. You're Welsh, aren't you?"

"Oh, I just wanted to travel and a friend tipped me off about this place, that's all. Don't worry; I've not got a hidden agenda or anything." He cringed slightly at the lie, but his companion seemed convinced. "What about you; have you been here long?"

"My dad owns this place; it's been passed down from father to son. I'll take it on when he dies." He suddenly grinned and started clapping. "You've picked a good night, you know; we got a new singer about three months back – wonderful voice, he has. Said it took him two months to track us down, though why he was so desperate to come here, I'm sure I'll never know, when there were dozens of other places he could've gone to."

Ianto nodded vaguely, but he wasn't really listening. He was too transfixed by the man who was standing on the stage, speaking to the audience. He wasn't really listening to what he was saying either, but he didn't have to. He knew, from the moment he saw him, he knew that this was him. It was his Jack. He hadn't changed a bit; not in height or looks; he hadn't even changed his clothes.

Suddenly, the music started and a few moments later, Jack began to sing, the song he had chosen hauntingly familiar.

" _It's not the first time that I had the sense that something's wrong._

_But I'm old enough to know that things don't always work out like they should._

_I know you're trying hard to break it gently to me now._

_But there's no easy way to tell it like it is,_

_So, baby,_

_I don't want to hear any more._

_You don't need to tell me it's over;_

_I've been here before."_

"Did you hear what he said?" Ianto's companion was asking excitedly. "Before he started singing, he said that this was a song that was very special to him and one day, he's hoping to find out why that is."

"Really?" said Ianto, hoping he sounded interested. He couldn't look around though, and not just because all of his attention was focused on Jack. He didn't want anyone to see that he was dangerously close to crying. But his companion was far too observant.

"Hey," he said, "are you sure you're okay? You seem upset."

"I'm fine; I just remembered my mum singing this once." The memory of his mother, who he hadn't spoken to for seven months, brought fresh tears to his eyes. He felt guilty for having to lie about her when he hadn't been in contact with her for so long; not since Owen and Tosh had died. She probably didn't even know if he was alive. "It was one of her favourite songs," he said quickly. That, actually, was true; but it had become a favourite after she had heard him and Jack singing it to her. At that thought, he couldn't stop a single tear running down his cheek. Fortunately, his friend didn't say anything and just handed him a tissue before patting him on the shoulder. "Sorry," he murmured.

"Hey, don't be sorry; you obviously miss her very much. If you need to cry, just cry."

Ianto gulped. The Irishman had obviously assumed that his mother was dead, but his words had brought back several more memories. He nodded vaguely at him and forced himself not to think of Tosh as he wiped his eyes and drew his attention back to Jack.

" _I've seen that look before – I know it well._

_It comes as no surprise._

_You've been avoiding me, but now you want to talk it over._

_Before you take my hand and tell me softly in a whisper,_

_There's no need to explain – I've read the book._

_I know how this all ends."_

"But it doesn't end," whispered Ianto, now openly crying. "It doesn't end…it doesn't end. Both of us know that." He wasn't sure whether he was talking about the pain in his heart, or the love that he felt for the man standing there. Perhaps it was both.

" _I don't want to hear any more._

_You don't need to tell me it's over;_

_I've been here before._

_I won't ask you to stay._

_I won't stand in your way._

_Look me right in the eye,_

_Let me walk away with my head high."_

It was too much. Almost without stopping to think, Ianto had shrugged the man's hand from his shoulder, jumped to his feet and taken to the stage. This earned him several shocked looks from the patrons but he ignored them and calmly took the second microphone beside Jack and started to sing with him, at the same time as he pressed a small white handkerchief into Jack's hand.

" _If there's some other guy,_

_I don't need to know why._

_But_ _I don't want to hear any more._

_You don't need to tell me it's over;_

_I've been here before."_

Jack stared at him in shock. "I – Ianto?!" he exclaimed.

Ianto nodded. "Hi, Jack," he said shyly. "I'm here." When Jack didn't reply, but simply gaped at him like a goldfish, he smiled. "It's okay; you're not going mad. I'm here. But I have to ask; how did you find Torchwood Four? We all thought it had gone missing."

"Well, it was surprisingly obvious, really," answered Jack. "It was just process of elimination; we had one branch in England, Scotland and…Wales, so it seemed logical that the fourth one would be in Ireland. I just can't believe no one else thought of it." He shook himself. "But that's not the point. How – how are you…even here?"

"I didn't take the Retcon," said Ianto simply. "I couldn't do it; no matter how bad the memories were, it wasn't worth losing you. I know you took it, though, so you could forget Torchwood Three. That was why you left the handkerchief."

"But why didn't you –?"

"I couldn't. I was going to, but just before I did, I saw you on the CCTV cameras. You were standing outside the tourist office, crying. I couldn't have stopped you from taking the Retcon and I wouldn't have tried to." He smiled as Jack looked shocked. "Yes, Jack; I realised that you took it before you left, when you gave me the envelope. But it's okay. I knew that you needed to forget, if only temporarily, so you could find some peace, if nothing else. But I knew I didn't want to forget you and that I would find you again one day. So, I took the sleeping tablets that were in that envelope and curled up on the sofa."

Jack was openly crying now. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Hey, don't. Don't apologise. I already told you, I understand why you did it and I wouldn't have stopped you, even if I could have." He leaned up and stroked Jack's hair. "Now come on; you've got a song to finish here." He smiled at the musicians behind him.

Jack looked surprised, but he smiled slightly as he caressed Ianto's cheek, looking straight at him as he sang quietly, his breath hitching on the words.

" _I won't ask you to stay._

_I won't stand in your way."_

Ianto gasped. He'd forgotten that those were the next words of the song and looking at Jack's face, he clearly expected to be left alone again after this. Well, that wasn't going to happen, that was for sure. Stepping closer, he wrapped his arm around Jack's waist and drew him close to him, swaying them on the spot as he breathed out the next line, looking straight into Jack's eyes, silently telling him that he wasn't going anywhere now.

" _And I don't want to hear anymore."_

"No, no, baby," whispered Jack, half-singing and half-speaking as he cradled Ianto close to him in a way that he thought he never would again as he waited for the younger man to join in with him for the final words. "I don't want to hear anymore."

The applause was louder than he had experienced for a long time.


	2. Chapter 2

Once the act had finished and the applause had finally died down, Jack and Ianto slipped out of the back door. The only person who saw them was Ianto's Irish companion, who gave Jack a small smile before disappearing out of sight.

Outside, Ianto bought them each a portion of chips and they strolled silently down the streets, listening to men playing fiddles and penny whistles, towards the hotel where he was staying. But it wasn't until they were sitting in his room that Jack finally spoke.

"I gave you the chance to forget," he said quietly, staring out of the window. "I gave you the chance to make a new start with your life; to forget all the hell that Torchwood has put you through." The unspoken words 'that I put you through' hung in the air around them. "I gave you the chance to forget. But you didn't take it. Why?"

Ianto stared at the back of Jack's head for a couple of minutes before he replied. When he spoke, his voice was quiet and nervous.

"Do you remember the space whale?"

"Vaguely," answered Jack. "It's slightly clearer now that you've mentioned it, but there's a lot of stuff that, while I know it happened, all seems like a big blur at the moment."

Ianto nodded. "Do you remember Gwen refusing to Retcon Rhys afterwards?" When Jack nodded, he pressed on. "You also threatened to Retcon her."

"Yes," muttered Jack. "I can hear her – us – arguing, but I can't quite make out the words. The memory's still too vague." He paused, a frown slowly forming over his face. "But why does that matter? I only asked why you didn't take the chance to move on."

"Because I'm not like Gwen," replied Ianto, simply. "She might be able to move on, but I can't. She said that she wouldn't know any difference if she had taken the Retcon." He paused and took a deep breath, knowing that it was now or never. "But I would."

Jack span round and stared at him, shock visible in his blue eyes. "You would?"

"Yes, I would. It's not because I've given so much of my adult life to Torchwood and it would be impossible to blot it out completely. It's because…" he bit his lip.

Jack looked at him. "What?" he asked. "Come on, you can tell me."

Ianto frowned. "Well…I suppose it's…really, it's you. You're a huge part of my life." He turned to look straight into Jack's eyes. "No amount of Retcon could have blocked you out," he added. "You're unforgettable."

A brief smile flickered over Jack's face. "Can I tell you something?" He rested his hands on Ianto's shoulders. "I haven't been with anyone since I've been gone."

"You haven't? Why?" asked Ianto.

"I tried to, but every time I went up to anyone, male or female, no matter who they were, I couldn't do it. Something always stopped me and I didn't know what until tonight. I always knew that there was something there, but I couldn't see it until I started singing."

He closed his eyes. "The only definite memories I have are of you…and of you and me. I found that I was triggering them when I started singing, but I couldn't quite recognise them. And then…when you came up onto the stage and started talking and joined in with the song, I realised what it was that had stopped me for all those months."

"What was it?"

This time, Jack leaned over and stroked Ianto's face. "It's simple, really," he said softly, leaning closer. "Even when I couldn't remember you…I was still in love with you."

Somehow, Ianto's fingers had linked themselves with Jack's and their entwined hands had found their way to the pink collar of the younger man's shirt. Jack bent forwards and, his eyes shimmering with tears, gently kissed each knuckle before drawing Ianto close to him and kissing his lips softly, holding him close enough to feel his heartbeat.

Just when he was starting to get lost in the moment, however, Jack pulled away and cast his eyes downwards, looking troubled.

Ianto frowned at him. "What's wrong?"

"I just," Jack frowned. "I meant what I said on that stage, you know. I won't ask you to stay with me, or to feel that you have to stay. I don't expect  _anything_ from you; all I want is for you to be happy. If you want to walk away from me, I won't stop you."

Ianto was stunned. He had no idea that Jack felt this way; that he thought that he might not be happy with him. Looking up, he saw that his lover fully expected him to walk away, no matter how much the thought was hurting him.

"And I meant what I said," he said. "I don't want to hear any more of this. I'm here for the long haul, okay?" When Jack looked unsure, he sighed. "I love you, okay? All I want is to be with you, so get that into your head and get used to me staying by your side."

He placed a firm kiss on Jack's knuckles before sitting them both on the bed and looking into his eyes. "I have spent five months looking for you. When I came back round, I immediately went off to find you. I had no idea where you went and, while I understood why you did what you did, it didn't hurt any less." He caught Jack's face in his hands. "I'm not going to let you go now, Jack, so get that idea out of your head this minute."

Jack stared at him sharply for a second, before he grabbed him and pulled him into his arms, holding him tighter than he'd ever held him before. "I'm sorry," he whispered as he kissed him all over his face. "I didn't want to hurt you; I just, I didn't think. I was…"

"I know." Ianto stroked Jack's hair. "I know…and I'm here now."

"Good." Jack's voice was muffled by Ianto's hair. "Because I can't let you go again."

He picked Ianto up and pulled him into his lap, holding him close and rocking him, knowing that he could never let him go. Even in the years that would come, he would never be able to let him go. It was always the way with love. That was why it was so important for them to make the most of the time they had.

"Ianto?" he whispered, as he absently slipped off his shoes.

"Yes?" Ianto whispered.

Jack took a deep breath, his voice barely above a whisper. "I…I want…"

"What?" Ianto looked up at him. "Jack…just tell me what you want."

"I want…" Jack swallowed and bent his head; how did he have the right to ask this?

However, Ianto understood and, without a word, he reached over and kissed Jack on the lips, running his fingers through his hair, before looking straight into his eyes.

"Don't ever feel that you don't have the right to ask me anything," he breathed as he slipped the coat off Jack's shoulders, brushing slow kisses over his face and neck.

Somehow, he managed to ease them into the bed as their clothes seemed to fall away and lay scattered across the floor. His breath hitched as he gazed at Jack lying beside him, clutching his hands tightly, desperately even.

"Are you sure you want this?" he whispered.

Jack nodded, his eyes still shimmering with tears. "I need you," he pleaded, before he leaned over and kissed Ianto deeply, drawing him closer and closer.

And that was all it took to wear away the last of Ianto's hesitation. Placing a soft kiss on Jack's temple, he slipped out of bed and padded into the bathroom, returning a few moments later with a small bottle of shower gel.

"It's all I could find," he said shyly, but Jack just caught his hand and pulled him close for another soul-searching kiss.

"It doesn't matter," he whispered, stroking his hair gently. "Right now…I just need you."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Make love to me…" Jack whispered and swallowed hard. "The only clear memories I have are of you, but…I still can't quite see that…even though I know you did…"

"Jack," Ianto whispered before he drew the older man into his arms and held him close, squeezing a generous amount of shower gel onto his fingers at the same time. He felt Jack shiver as he ran the smooth liquid down his back and heard his soft gasp against his lips as their mouths connected in a lingering kiss.

Very slowly, he stroked his way down Jack's back, before coming round and rubbing at his hip bone and trailing on towards his groin, following the damp path with another path of gentle kisses, ignoring the taste of the shower gel on his tongue. Jack shivered and gasped underneath him, causing him to smile as he retraced the steps that they had taken so many times before. Each curve, each line; God, it had been so long, but they were so familiar. It felt like returning home after a long journey to the end of the universe. Taking a deep breath, and with one last kiss, he inserted one finger into Jack's opening, causing his lover to gasp loudly into his mouth.

"Ianto…" he whimpered.

"Shh…" Ianto stroked the sweat-dampened hair above him. "It's okay, I'm here. Lie back and relax…this is all about you." With one last slow kiss, he rested his head against Jack's chest, slowly rubbing his head against the smooth skin beneath him as he slicked himself up, making himself ready for Jack. No matter how much he wanted this, no matter how desperate he was, the last thing he wanted to do was hurt the man he loved.

As he slowly eased himself all the way, he was fiercely reminded of… _that_ night again…of how he had held Jack close to him in their kitchen, and promised him, even as he cried, that they were going to get through this, that they were going to be all right. He remembered how they had held each other so desperately and made love so tenderly that night that both of them had been reduced to tears. He remembered Jack kissing him on the forehead and whispering that they were going to make it…he remembered waking up and telling him that, yes, of course they were.

The memory brought fresh tears to his eyes, even now, and he barely noticed as his climax washed over him, barely heard the breathless sob that escaped from his lips.

However, he did notice, almost immediately, that Jack was trembling underneath him. At first, he thought it was his post-orgasm high, but when he looked properly, he saw that his lover's eyes were screwed up in agony with tears spilling over his face as his beautiful body convulsed faster and faster underneath him.

Cautiously, he rolled off him and reached out to catch one hand, but before he could, Jack threw an arm out and caught him by the throat, his mouth open in a silent scream.

"Jack!" he whispered, frantically trying to pull away, but the older man's grip was too strong. "Jack, please, it's all right; it's okay!"

"Stop…" Jack's voice was quiet and hoarse, but frantic. "Stop it…please, stop it…I'll do anything, just…don't…no!" The last word was a violent scream and he sat upright, his entire body shaking and his eyes flying open again.

"Jack," Ianto gasped, trying to sound calm, which was rather difficult considering that he couldn't breathe. "Jack, it's me." He reached out and stroked Jack's hair. "It's Ianto."

Jack's eyes opened properly then and he saw what he was doing. "Ianto?" he gasped. "But…I thought…I saw you…" Suddenly, his eyes flickered to his hand, which he dropped as if it was burning in front of him. "Oh, God…I'm so sorry," he whispered, before collapsing into the pillows, his body still shaking.

"Hey," cooed Ianto, rubbing the tears away with his thumb, "it's all right; I'm here. I'm all right." He had to fight not to rub at his throat, which was actually quite sore.

"I thought you were…"

"Shh…I know, I know. But I'm here."

"But…he tortured you…again…always again…"

"No," Ianto shook his head. "I'm here – and I'm going to keep you safe." He stroked Jack's hair and smiled when he saw his lover relax, only for it to fade when he immediately tensed up again. "Jack, what's wrong?"

Jack looked at him, almost pleadingly. "Did they…I wasn't…?" He couldn't finish the question, but the meaning was clear by the look in his eyes and it broke Ianto's heart. There was nothing he wanted more than to tell Jack that everything was fine and that it hadn't happened, but he knew that he couldn't do it – he couldn't lie to him.

What little hope that had struggled into Jack's face faded immediately at the stifling silence that enveloped the room. He stared into the pillows and then, his voice thick with unshed tears, spoke seven words that physically seemed to break him:

"Because I let go of his hand!"

Ianto had never felt so helpless in his life. He watched Jack sink back into the pillows, his hands clenched together in front of him as he rocked back and forth, his face contorted in a terrible expression of sheer pain and fear. Remembering what had happened during the year on the Valiant and the torture he had experienced at the hands of the Master was one thing, but this…this was totally different. He wanted nothing more than to tell his partner that what happened was not his fault, but he knew that it wouldn't do any good, not when the memories had suddenly been triggered just like that.

A damp drop on his arm distracted him and he turned to see that Jack had managed to move himself so that he was leaning against him and that silent tears were running down his cheeks, his face a perfect picture of agony and guilt.

Suddenly, he knew, once again, that words weren't needed here. There was nothing that could be said, not here, not now. Instead, he reached over and pulled Jack into his arms, holding him as if he was the most fragile being in the universe and kissing the top of his head. A few moments later, he felt Jack's arms snake around his body before he was caught in a tight embrace, Jack's tears soaking his bare shoulder.

Moments later, he realised that they were mixed with his own tears and, try as he might to stop them, he couldn't help himself. Seeing Jack so broken was tearing him apart inside, especially when he realised that, at the moment, there was nothing he could do to convince him that it wasn't his fault. He hoped it would come with time, but he also knew that Jack carried guilt on him like a shadow.

He was suddenly distracted when Jack sat up slightly and looked at him. When he spoke, his voice was hoarse and broken, but at the same time, clear and certain.

"Ianto," he whispered. "Take me home…I've been away for…"

"Shh," soothed Ianto, kissing him again. "Just sleep and tomorrow I'll take you home."

There were no more words, but he could still feel Jack's smile.


End file.
